Choose your load

“Choosing the load” is one of the most important lessons a cut above man needs to learn about choosing and having successful relationships.

I was recently reminded about this concept from an unexpected source, which I will share now.

In October 2021 my ex took our children to an annual agriculture event we call “The Royal Show”. I don’t usually go anymore. There are stacks of things to see, try and do such as animal and farm shows and displays, food judging and sampling, woodchopping, pig racing etc. There’s also lots of rides to go on, and games to play for prizes in “show side alley”.

And of course, lots of vendors selling show bags, toys, electronics, clothes, you name it. Its’ all there. Most of it is junk. And its terribly expensive.

I know public transport is a hassle on these days and the ex and kids usually spend 2 hours on public transport each way. I was in the area anyway so I offered to pick her and the kids up. We arranged a rough time and I headed over, calling her on the phone when I was around ten minutes out. “Great, OK, meet me at Gate 8”, I said. I arrive and am waiting by Gate 8. And waiting. And waiting.

After being asked to move on twice by a security guard, I called to check everything was OK. “Hello, are you guys close, I have to move the car”.

“We are waiting for you at Gate 2”, she told me matter of factly.

This was typical behaviour from her. And, when we were together, I’d usually schlep around trying to find her at Gate 2. Not anymore and not today, I’m a Cut Above Man and I value people of their word.

“I said Gate 8 and you said OK. I’m parked in and have 5 minutes to move. I’ll wait for you here”. I can hear her calling me names to our kids as she hangs up.

So they make the trek to Gate 8. They get lost. She calls and asks me how to get to Gate 8. I haven’t been to the show in years and didn’t know. I tell her this then joke she should follow my voice. She snaps at my kids that I’m not helping. A few minutes later, she calls me again, describing things around her and asking if I can see where she needs to go. Now remember, I am sitting in my car looking at Gate 8 from the outside!!! I suggest she ask a security guard or a vendor who might know the layout. I also remind her the gates are in order and the grounds are circular so if she keeps walking around the outside she should find Gate 8.

They finally emerge, all four of them, with bags galore, and approach the car. My son leaves the bags he was carrying at the rear where his Mum is, loading everything in. He gets in and starts telling me about his day with excitement. As she is loading stuff in the car she realises they’ve left a bag behind. Well, my 11yo son has apparently. And it happens to be the one with all the expensive stuff in it. Hundred of dollars worth of stuff was in there.

So after she finishes berating him for losing it, she turns on me.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you just came to Gate 2!”, she snaps . I laughed and said “Or if you looked after the most expensive bag yourself, and how do you know you had it at Gate 2?”. My son is almost in tears at this point, berating himself for being stupid and losing the bag, and how it had an expensive toy gun it, and everything else they had bought, and how can he be so dumb etc. Poor kid.

She keeps packing stuff in, closes the tailgate, gets in the car and says “Oh well, that’s gone now”.

“Are you going to look for it?” I ask.

“No. I’m tired, its too busy, probably gone and I can’t be bothered, let’s go”. My son’s jaw drops.

I don’t move. I don’t start the car.

“Well” she says, looking at me.

Years ago, I would have just started the car. Or, gone to look myself. No today. A Cut Above Man knows it is sometimes important to hold people accountable for their own mess.

“I think you should go look for it. You said it’s got hundreds worth of stuff in it. You go look, I’ll do a lap and meet you back here. Its a good example to the kids to look for what’s lost”. She huffed and puffed and argued but, realising I wasn’t moving and with the guard approaching us again, she swore at me and got out. My youngest daughter went with her to help and my 11yo son stayed in the car, still telling me he’s an idiot etc. We drive off and I hand him a lollipop.

“So what happened?”, I ask him.

“I don’t remember Dad. I had the bag with me. I thought I brought it to the car, then Mum says its not there. Why am I such an idiot?”, he cries.

“You’re not an idiot mate.” I reply. “I don’t mean how you lost it. I mean how did you end up with it in the first place?”, I replied.

“Oh, When we came to meet you, we were collecting the bags and Mum said grab that one so I did” he says, tears streaming down his face. “If only I did better Dad”, he pressed on with blaming himself.

I spoke gently and calmed him down. I reminded him not to be too hard on himself. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on at the show and while its not good the bag was left behind, his mother should be more responsible and take care of such things herself. It was the most expensive bag, after all.

He looked up at me and I could tell I was getting through to him. I told him to listen very carefully, and you all should too.

“Son, a person you’re in a relationship may give you responsibilities you may not want, or know how, to manage. Then when you don’t manage them as they expect, they will blame you. They may even take it out on you. Rarely will they accept, or even realise, they enabled the situation by giving you that responsibility in the first place. That won’t matter. Their primary focus will be that you messed up and let them down. Its common for people in this situation to save face by blaming others”.

“But she told me to take it!!” he yelled back at me in frustration. 

“I know son. I know” I laughed. “I’m not blaming you. You wanted to do the right thing and took that on. It got lost, you got blamed, told off, and now you feel bad”.

I went on to say “Son, when you’re getting to know someone, a cut above man must take time to understand the kind of ‘bags’ they want him to carry, and how they react when things go bad. Then choose someone whose bags you don’t mind carrying, and whose crazy you can handle.

Because down the line there may be a time you “leave a bag behind”, and you will be to blame. And you’ll handle that much better if you’ve accepted the deal and don’t mind the way she plays that game. If you’re unable or unwilling to play it their way, it makes life harder both of you.

Just then, my phone rang. It was the ex. I was using hands free so she was on speaker and my son could hear.

“You’ll never believe this, but we found it”. She said.

“Wow, lucky…” I replied. “What?!?!” My son yelled. “Where was it?”, he demanded of his mother.

“It was, ahhhh, well…we walked back out of the grounds, and saw it resting on a post next to where you parked. So he did bring it with him”

“How did it get there?” I asked.

“I don’t know, maybe I moved it to the side or something”…

I said I would see her soon, and hung up before she overheard my son’s rage build.

And that, cut above men, is why it’s important to understand the bags you may get asked to carry. You might get asked to do something that someone else messes up, and you still get the blame. By observing what you’re asked to do, you have a better chance of anticipating both the situations and your responses to it, so you can choose whether to keep carrying those bags or not.

Either way your life, and that of your loved ones, will be a little better for you doing that.

Let me know what you think about this article!